Medicine Woman

The Humans took me to that horrible woman this week. The one who pokes and prods at me, turns me upside down, forces my mouth open and examines every crevice I have. It’s almost like she is looking for something terrible. What could possibly be wrong with me? I am in peak physical condition. I exercise for exactly ten minutes a day, chasing that glorious pink furry mouse on a stick around. I eat a normal amount of the dried food they give me (except on the wonderful occasion when I can sneak in a good lick from a tuna can here and there). And I sleep the rest of the day, which is usually somewhere around 18-20 hours a day. So please explain to me why this woman thinks something is wrong with me? She says I need “dental work”. What is “dental work”? It sounds like some sort of devil practice if you ask me. She says I need my “vaccines” again. It’s almost like she’s making up words.

And what kills me is the fact that the Humans listen to her! They force me to see her once or twice a year– she’s basically a stranger. And then they heed her advice! What is she, some kind of doctor? Don’t be ridiculous. A real doctor would never look at me and insist that I need medical assistance of any kind. I’m gorgeous and extremely fit. She’s obviously a hack.

Now when she says similar things about the Other One, I of course believe her. He needs “dental work”. He needs “vaccines”. It was positively thrilling when she said he needed to lose weight. I’ve been telling him for months that he’s morbidly obese. I’ve put him on my strict exercise and dried food regime, to no avail. That clown eats more than anyone I’ve ever seen. If he wants a svelte tail or perfectly chiseled calves like me, he’s got a long way to go. But alas, you can only help those who want to be helped.

So I’m going to continue with my regime until the next time I am stuffed into that tiny carrier that smells like a dead rabbit and forced to see that maniacal hypochondriac. And if she ever tries to tell the Humans that I am overweight, I’ll deadlift her right then and there to prove her wrong. Fools.

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