Happy New Year everyone.
It’s January, that time of year when the Humans make resolutions and try to stick to them for the year. Sometimes it’s something easy like flossing everyday, other times it’s something more abstract like “being a better person”. Last year, She Human wanted to say something nice about a co-worker everyday and He Human was going to drink a glass of green tea a day. She was smack talking within a week, and He had to throw all the green tea out that they bought because it went bad. Idiots. Don’t they see the same pattern year after year? These resolutions only last a few weeks, just stop it.
Make no mistake, I don’t floss or drink green tea, nor do I want to in the slightest. I make no resolutions. I have nothing to improve on in my personal life. As I have stated in the past, I am in peak physical condition, I sleep like a baby, and my play session skills are only improving everyday.
However, I decided this year I will break tradition and make a resolution for the first time in my life. I resolve to hold the Humans to their resolutions. These clowns could use a little help.
This year, She Human’s resolution is to keep her closet clean for the entire year– put clothes and shoes away, fold everything, etc. Ha, we’ll see how much her resolution holds up. I’m going to make sure she cleans it everyday. There’s nothing I love more than a nap on a nice cashmere sweater, or pulling the jeans off the shelves and watching them fall. She Human will have plenty of work to do because she’ll be cleaning her closet everyday. It will really make her feel better about herself.
He Human’s resolution is to pick up a new hobby. He randomly pointed to a list of boring activities and selected bird-watching. And he didn’t change it. First of all, what a nerd. Second of all, I totally support this activity. It’s almost like he picked it for me. My specialty these days is squirrel-watching, but I’m happy to make the transition to birds. Equally delici– ahem, beautiful creatures. Maybe he’ll even take me on one of his outdoor bird-watching adventures that he’s been talking about. And by take me, I mean I’ll sneak into the back of the car and leap out once we’ve arrived. He’ll have no choice. I might even have a snack or two while we’re out there. Wild bird is quite a meal. It really is the perfect plan.
So you see, I really am a very considerate pet. What better way to show the Humans that I care than by helping them with their resolutions? I truly do want them to succeed in their (useless) endeavors. The Other One keeps telling me I’m doing it more for me than for them. He’s a fool.