Today, I will be voting. I will go with the Humans to the polls and I will vote. (Lacking opposable thumbs will make this a bit more challenging, but I am resourceful.) I will not vote for the Democratic party. I will not vote for the Republican party. I will not vote for any third party. I will write in my candidate for President. I will write in my own name. I will write in Señor Gato. I encourage you to do the same.
Let’s be clear here, I would make a phenomenal President, for many obvious reasons. Allow me to lay out my platform for you Humans.
Making decisions for 300 million people requires a lot of brain power, which can only be achieved by copious amounts of rest. I commit to being the most rested candidate in the White House’s long (and far too productive) history. Daily napping in the Oval Office will be required, for me and all my Cabinet. I will require that the members of both the Senate and the House take mandatory naps every day as well.
I will require that play sessions occur every 45 minutes. Studies show that the brain works better with frequent play sessions because the physical stimulation causes more synapses in the brain and energizes it. Plus, play sessions totally rule. I myself have a pink mouse that I chase with fervor regularly.
I will also mandate that serious discussions only occur between the hours of midnight and 3 am, as that is when I am at my most productive. Being a nocturnal creature, I find that I really only want to do real work during those times. In addition, all decisions will be made by me and me only. My Cabinet will state the facts of whatever issue is at hand, and I will give them a simple answer of either “yes” or “no”. No follow up questions are allowed. Ever. They just take too long and interfere with play time.
In my first 100 days in office, I will increase the minimum wage to 30 treats per hour, I will remove the reflecting pool from the Lincoln Memorial (I hate water), and I will cover the Washington Monument with carpet to use it as a scratching post. I’d have the sharpest claws in all the land.
Basically, you too should write in Señor Gato in your ballot when you cast your vote today. There is no party like a feline party. We truly are the best of all the creatures on this planet. Make a good choice. Vote Señor Gato for President.